Iyanla Vanzant On Raising Boys To Men And The 'Inside Fix'
Iyanla Vanzant On Raising Boys To Be Future Husbands, And The ‘Inside Fix’
- Authenticity, not 'imposter syndrome,' is the key to being true to oneself.
- People-pleasing stems from an inherited belief that one's worth depends on making others happy.
- As a mother, model self-acceptance and share your story to help your son develop healthy relationships.
Ms. Iyanla Vanzant is a healer on earth. If you’ve ever watched her show ‘Fix My Life,’ it’s clear how the thought of being in her presence could shake you. She’s literally fixed the lives of millions in her presence and those watching in their living rooms. After a hiatus, she’s back reflecting on her most popular guests and how the lessons she’s learned over time stand up in this climate.
I spoke to Ms. Iyanla, who opened up about the new season of her show ‘The Fix,’ dealing with imposter syndrome, the root of being a people pleaser, and raising a boy to become someone’s husband in the future.
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“‘Fix My Life’ was about me doing my work publicly in a way that served and supported other people. And ‘The Inside Fix’ is about giving people the information they need to do their own work. To be able to show them to look at this thing that we saw, that everybody’s seen, whether it’s six round jigsaw or my abusive marriage or whatever it is, and asking, giving people space and permission to ask themselves, okay, how do I do that?”
As someone who deals with “imposter syndrome,” Iyanla flipped it on me explaining in her one of a kind eccentric way, it’s more about authenticity. “That’s such a word people picked up and now everyone’s got imposter syndrome” she began. “Like everybody’s got a trauma bond and everybody’s got a narcissistic mother.” She said. “The question is not are you an imposter. The question is are you being authentic? See, I’m going to take you to the higher frequency, is who you are reflected and how you show up each and every day. That’s the essence. And quality of your soul. Is it grounded in who you be in the world? The And if it’s not then what are you hiding, avoiding, denying. Because the hiding avoiding denial will make you an imposter.”
Another buzz phrase she reckoned with, was what it really means when you’re a people pleaser. “That’s the issue of self value and worth people pleasing. It’s also an inherited script that we’ve learned that it’s our job to make those outside of us calm, happy, keep them pleased so that we can be safe.”
At the point, my son interrupted our interview and Iyanla offered me some kind and encouraging words about raising a son. “You are raising somebody’s husband and somebody’s father. You want him to see the best version of you, not just as his mother, but as a woman of color. Black woman, whether he chooses, you know that for his partner or not, because all men marry their mothers. So you want to be the best version of yourself, not perfect. Present. Yeah, I I’m glad that when he came in, you eventually, picked him up. Don’t let him come in the room. And there’s something more important than him that you can’t stop for. 30s and say, I see you. I see you because what you’re saying is, I see you, black man. That’s what you’re saying. You don’t want him to get used to people ignoring him, dismissing him, diminishing him.”
She added, “Do you understand? You as a mother? As he grows older, make sure he knows your story. Your story as a woman, how you grew up, what your dad taught you, what you didn’t teach you, what your mama told you, what your what your weaknesses were. So he doesn’t see you as something that’s on a pedestal. And you know, that can’t be so he knows your humanity so that when he goes to find a partner, he’s not looking for a replica of you, but he’s looking for another woman, and he can honor her humanity.”
Watch the full interview, above.
Iyanla Vanzant On Raising Boys To Be Future Husbands, And The ‘Inside Fix’ was originally published on hellobeautiful.com
